Laughing in the Abyss

Notes from the edge of everything

recent posts

  • The lone forgotten

    The lone forgotten

    I don’t know the right words to say I feel invisible when I’m clearly being seen. It’s a mix of everything is moving and going around me and I’m just here; and then everything is happening and I’m not there. I’m just lost.

    At my job I sit in the very back storage room, away from any other human to do whatever it is my job is supposed to be. When I go to talk to humans, my boss tells me to go back to my hole. When humans come back to talk to me they’re told to go back to the front. I am very alone. At home I have my boyfriend but I feel so distant and far away from any kind of relationship we’ve had that even though we’re together I wonder if there would be any difference with us being apart. My parents have reconnected with my sister and putting in five years of lost togetherness into one summer that they seemingly forgot all about the one person who was there for them for the full five year she was gone. I’m lost in this space of what I’ve always known to bring me comfort and some joy to just be alone.

    Don’t get me wrong I do love my independence and space. I like being alone and in a place all to myself. It’s just when I actually want some connection I don’t know where to look or even start. Being so fiercely independent and introverted has left me quite fucked. I don’t really have any close friends to talk too or even vent too. I don’t even know where to start in making friends, like how do you do that as a grown ass adult? I did join a pen pal group so there’s that. And then it’s like how do you immediately start a conversation and be like ‘hi be my friend my life sucks’. I don’t want to be that person who is constantly complaining about how terrible and awful life is, that’s no fun. I want to be fun and have a legit positive attitude and be someone people want to be around.

    I’m sure there are plenty of places to go and meet people, well I know there are. Being the biggest hermit in the world I hate going out, especially after working all day. I joined a facebook group about girls meeting friends in my area. For the most part most are about 10 years younger than me and want to do all the things I don’t. Okay I’m exaggerating a lot, I don’t like to drink so I take that as no one will like me or want to hang out with me. Some girls want to go work out and hike together, things I should 1000% be doing and work on myself. Low key I can’t afford a gym membership… I guess the point it that you’re able to be with someone and ‘bond’. Seems like a weird first friend date, like hi want to work out? and then start dying on the treadmill doing a slight increased walk.

    I just want to know what to do, or even what not to do. Can future me come and tell me how things are going? I guess that would be too easy. I feel like I need to make changes and just make everything go away. I can’t really move across the world and start a new job and life. Okay yes I can do that but the work to actually figure that out is getting complicated. Yes I looked. Turns out I’m not really qualified to do any job yet. It wouldn’t solve any problems except for being in a different environment unhappy. Then I could make the argument that if i just changed my own life here, by breaking up with my boyfriend, getting a better fulfilling job, and well just deal with my parents things would get better. Right?

    I just want to feel like I don’t have to keep trying so hard all the time. At some point I can just let someone else take on the world for me, even for a few hours. I want to be able to come home and not have to then do everything to keep house, or tell someone to keep house. I want to not live paycheck to paycheck and not have to panic every week on how I’m going to make ends meet or even put gas in my car. Hell I want to be able to blow a paycheck on things I don’t need on Amazon. I just want my life to be just a little bit easier sometimes.

    Listen I am in no way perfect or trying to make myself seem better cause I’m feeling sorry for myself. I am the biggest problem. Why I can’t seem to look at my own issues and be like ‘aha! yes fix this this was and done’. It would be so easy. How do people not have anxiety? How do we just open out to other people and make things happen so quickly or just so openly? At what point will I actually wake up and be like “Yes! today is the real day to do the real things!” I’m so tired of being and feeling so lost and hopeless. I’ve made it so far and I can keep going, I just want it all to be better. Where do I even begin?

  • Bitches that bake

    Bitches that bake

    I have always liked baking. Cooking sucks, but baking is fun and dessert is better than everything. Thanks to Great British Bake Off (GBBO) and every other baking show that humble, I feel I can actually try a few things. The caliber of the home cook I am is vastly different than most and thats okay. I want to bake what I like and when I can.

    Asshole brain time. My boyfriend’s sister in law is one of my biggest brain takers. She does many things that I’ll never understand and loves to post on her social media and private stories about her life. She mostly post all the negative, how hard and terrible life (it’s not and that’s a whole different story). She’s also annoyingly good at almost everything she does. Not to mention that my boyfriend’s family (close and extended) love to give her all the praise and pomp for her existence. Trust me I am biter, and for the reasoning of my own mind. I haven’t done anything to even admit that I can do anything so why would they do the same for me? Aside from the fact I work full time and keep house and all the things BUT yet again I’m just a biter bitch.

    This isn’t to prove or show off who’s the better baker or to even do it cause I want to be better. I’m doing it cause it’s something I like and can do. I’ll over think on where and what to start with and spend countless hours on pintrest to find the most perfect thing to start. What I’m going to do I start with what I have. And I have peaches and I think I can pull off a crumble. Simple, direct, and to the point. I do love chocolate and lush desserts the most, and again I’m working with what I have.

    Asshole brain time. I remember in high school, I had this idea to open my own pastry shop, or chocolate shop. I was going to name is ‘Sydlicious’. I wanted to go to some kind of culinary school and actually learn to make it work. So ambitious! My parents said, no and that if I graduate college with a business degree then I could to culinary school and learn it then. Just a look into how my whole life my parents always wanted me to be the person who ran the business, nothing more or less. Talk about the pressure.

    Back to dessert, no the recipe is not linked below. I’m not going to write a long drawn out saga about my life for peaches. And frankly no one would read it. So join us next time on “Let’s try to bake!”

  • Day 2

    Day 2

    Here we are, Day 2 of my journey to not be who I’ve been for the past 35 years. So far not the best start. I have been loafed on the couch most of the day and feeling sorry for myself. The usual.

    I can honestly say that social media is going to be the next big thing I need to regulate. Among so many reasons why it’s not right for anyone, it really does send my brain into a spiral of complete dogshit. Not only do I get ads about how to make more money than god “By just doing these simple steps! (and paying me $6000 to show you!)”, then I get to see people I actually know posting what they want the world to see and how ‘great’ their lives are. Today I’m bothered by the fact an old friend and coworker of mine just left the clinic we used to work at. Like yes good for her and then I start thinking, why is she leaving? Did she get another job? Did her boyfriend finally allow her to stop working since they’re getting married and she doesn’t have too? All these thoughts and questions that made me feel even worse.

    I have a problem thinking I’m completely failing at life. Seeing anyone accomplish anything of any level of standard makes me feel totally worthless. Of course there’s every celebrity and athlete you see doing amazing things and its like, why did my parents not push me to do anything? Somehow seeing people I know do anything is worse? Even things I never want, like children, I’m like “oh wow they’re livin’ the dream”. I sure as shit don’t want that but I want something.

    Listen I know I’m the problem and I can and should actually start doing something with myself. I’m 35, overweight, living pay check to paycheck, and living with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years ho has done nothing with his life. There’s a lot to unpack there. I do have a stable job, not the most fulfilling, but it gives me money and benefits and that all we want right? I just want change and something new and different. Preaching to the world choir here, and there needs to be something out there? That’s where all of this comes into play, something to help keep me accountable and stop being a little bitch.

    Where do I start first? Everything seems so overwhelming to just start. I did shop at Trader Joe’s this week, yay new healthy food! Trying to start/keep some kind of a ‘diet’ with out totally jumping back into my eating disorder (oh yeah, there’s that…different time). Also sticking to drinking a fuck ton of water and tea all day everyday. I need to actually start some kind of exercise; walking more, more movement, you know all the things.

    More over doing something to give my brain a way to not dwell on everything. Yay hobbies! I love that spent most of my life not having any or trying to find something I enjoy outside of work. Getting a job at 12 was great for my social skills, killed me in every other part of being a human. It’s like I put all the importance in the fact that I can work and do a good job I didn’t see the need to do anything else.

    Okay enough of the same. I start new and I make it happen. Let’s go…

  • 35 and Alive

    35 and Alive

    Today is my 35th birthday. I sit here with my dogs and cats wondering why on earth I’m here. Okay yeah I’m here cause all those years ago my parents made choice to have another kids and yada yada yada… I’m more thinking, why on earth am I here, on my couch, rewatching ‘Arrow’. I’m wondering why I’ve never really accomplished anything aside from living, wondering why I always feel so unfulfilled, and why I’ve never done anything about it.

    Am I being dramatic? Of course, thats what I do. I’m having my midlife crisis again and again and again. Or its just the depression. Yeah, its the depression, that never fails. Come on Lexapro, get it together. I feel like there are so many aspects of my life that are just, there… just moving in place around me while I just? Yes, it’s the depression, I know. Yes, I’m in therapy and we’re doing our best. I the midst of everything else, I’m here, looking for anything to legitimately spark joy in my mush little brain.

    I start my 35th year with a nagging plea to myself to be more something. I can’t ask for more happy cause that unrealistic, but I can try to add some spice to this meat sack of sadness. Where do I begin? I keep getting asked, ‘What makes you happy?’ or “What do you think will make you happy?’ Well Becca I don’t know! (Oh yeah Becca is my therapist, she’ll be mentioned a lot I’m sure.) I literally don’t know. There’s a part of me that feels that admitting liking something will make me uncool? Like my middle school/high school emo hoodrat inside is like ‘yeah nothing is cool and that makes me cool’! Spoiler… I was not cool. Mostly I feel that admitting I like something or at least interested in something means I would have to try something and by trying something means that wouldn’t be good at it and if I’m not perfect at it then whats the point? Thats how my mind works.

    Let’s start with some interesting sounding hobbies. Things I’m willing to try and fail at, and continue to keep trying to have fun. Well first I need to adjust my SHIT attitude. The truth of it is I can think up a whole life plan to change my life while I’m sitting wide awake at 3am; then there’s the actual actions of putting it into place. Like actually having to try and do the things I felt so compeled to do. I have a planner/journal that is a help, but doing it daily is a push. And I’m not putting pressure on myself to care that much to have a perfect planner (thats new and improved!). I don’t know if it’s the constant commentary of other that ‘oh its so easy! just do blah blah blah…’ I wonder what it would be like to be a person who can just wake up and change and do things?

    Back to it, how it going to happen? How I am going to remotley keep myself accountable to even try and put in the effort? Oh right make a blog! That’s what the cool kids are doing right? This is still a thing and relevant right? Who cares, I’m doing it anyway. Follow along for the ride of depressed, scarastic, and possibly life changing adventure of me trying to get it together.

  • Hello World!

    Hello World!

    Here I am, writing to help understand the world I have in my head and get out of it.